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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Life
Niamh Shackleton
Millions of Americans are in relationships and, while they might paint a perfect picture of their romance on social media, things behind closed doors might not be as good.
For anyone who has been in a committed relationship, you'll know that these things take a hell of a lot of work.
You might love your significant other to the ends of the earth, but sadly it doesn't always mean that they're the right person for you and that the relationship is where it should be.
With this in mind, a series of experts have put their heads together to detail what they believe to be 20 red flags to look out for in a relationship – and some may come as a surprise.
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Whether it's a new romance or a years-long one, these are all the things you shouldn't ignore...
Arguably people want to have deep and meaningful relationships, but if someone is coming across superficial then it might be time to move on, said licensed marriage and family therapist Luis Cornejo.
Speaking to TODAY, he shared: "If the relationship lacks depth and seems to focus more on physical intimacy or superficial interactions, it could be a sign of a rebound.
"These relationships often lack the emotional depth and genuine bonding that characterize more serious, committed relationships."
Holly Schiff, a licensed clinical psychologist, said you should be wary if you feel like your partner is constantly lying to you.
The odd 'white lie' here and there probably won't cause much damage, but if your partner is lying a lot then it might be a sign that they don't trust you.
Arguments are inevitable in a relationship (unless you're Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, that is). Arguing is also healthy as it serves as a form of communication between two people. However, if these arguments are turning into gaslighting and twisting the truth then that's a different issue.
Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist in Chicago, told TODAY: "If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag."
Per Cleveland Clinic, love bombing is 'a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them'.
Speaking about this, psychotherapist Amy Morin explained: "They may be trying to move in quickly because they don’t have a place to live.
"Or they may be trying to get you to fall in love fast so you’ll forgive them when they’re unkind later."
If you're bending over backwards to keep your partner happy or not speaking up when you want to out of fear of conflict, it could be a sign that you're not being your true self.
"If someone is afraid to speak up for themselves, or they can’t say so no to other people, they might not be showing you the true version of themselves either," Morin said.
"They may say they like things they don’t simply because they’re trying to make you happy. Or they may be pretending to agree with you."
Being addicted to drugs or alcohol is one thing, but it's also a worrying sign if you or your partner are addicted to work, which could make it 'impossible' to maintain a happy relationship.
"The person may look like they’re a hard worker when in reality, they struggle to step away from work because doing so gives them incredible anxiety," Morin warned.
Cornejo said that if your partner talks about their ex a lot (whether that's positively or negatively), it could well be a sign that they haven't moved on from them.
He said of someone who frequently talks about their former partner: "Their emotions regarding the past relationship are still strong and present, indicating that the new relationship may be a way to cope with these unresolved feelings."
If you feel like the person you're dating is avoiding creating a deeper connection with you, it could be because they have 'a fear of repeating past mistakes or a reluctance to open up and be vulnerable again so soon after a painful breakup', said Cornejo.
According to Klesman, if someone is genuinely interested in you then their behavior will be consistent.
Also, if they blow hot and cold (we all remember that Katy Perry anthem, right?) then that's also a red flag that they're not invested in you or the relationship.
Any form of dangerous behavior is an immediate red flag and it likely means that someone 'can’t channel their emotions properly in a healthy way', warned Schiff.
Should an argument ever turn abusive — whether that's physical, verbal, or emotional — it's important that you remove yourself from the situation.
Tara Quick, an eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapist, told TODAY that trauma bonding can make someone fall hard for another person quite quickly.
"You can quickly feel enamored and attached because you feel seen and understood; however, this also means that the unhealed places inside of you are trying to heal and be healed by the unhealed places in another," she said.
Quick added that these types of relationships leave people 'stuck in the same dysfunctional patterns instead of healing and finding health'.
Caitlin Weese, psychotherapist at Intuitive Healing & Wellness, said that rudeness is a 'huge red flag'.
"How we treat those around us is often a sign of how we treat our partners, and chances are your partner will turn this criticism and hostility your way in the future," she noted.
We're all guilty of hoping that someone will change their minds on keeping things casual after spending more time together, but if they say that that's what they want from the start, it's likely to always be the case, Klesman said.
If your partner showcases extreme jealousy that it could be a sign that they don't trust you.
"If you don’t trust them, you have to decide if that’s something you can manage," Schiff shared.
As Rachel Green's mom said, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'
If someone has a history of cheating, then you might spend a lot of your relationship worrying that they'll be unfaithful to you too.
Then, if they do cheat, it can have a huge impact on your self-esteem and mental health.
One of the biggest things to be wary of in terms of mismatched goals is about children, where you want to live, and marriage, said Schiff.
These are all things to take into consideration if you're looking to pursue a long-term relationship with the other person.
Substance abuse can be a red flag if the person who is doing it is an addict and doesn't want to fix or address the issue. However, it's still possible for the relationship to work in other circumstances.
"If your partner is willing to self-correct or get themselves into treatment, then I think it’s a case-by-case basis," Schiff said.
She added that it's up to you to decide if it's 'something you should stick around for or if it’s something that wouldn’t be healthy for you to be there for'.
Whether it's your best friends or your mom and dad, it's likely you'll want your significant other to make an effort with those you care about. If they don't, it could be a red flag.
Meanwhile, if they don't have a relationship with their own family, it could mean that they don't value them (and yours, too).
If you're a particularly family-orientated person, dating someone like this could prove difficult.
Schiff warned that these types of relationships can sometimes turn abusive and toxic down the line.
"They’re using that quickness and intensity to get you on board, gain your trust and then, you know, those things just don’t end very well," she said.
This one, again, comes down to trust and a relationship is unlikely to last long-term if there isn't any trust.
If your partner starts to do things like limit your social interactions and set restrictions on who you’re allowed to see and when, then this is definitely a red flag.