Doctor reveals how much sex is 'normal' and common reasons some people get turned off from it
Topics: News, Sex and Relationships, Health
Gerrard Kaonga
Featured Image Credit: Getty Images/PeopleImages
Topics: News, Sex and Relationships, Health
A psychologist has spoken about the healthy approach to sexual activity and why some are turned off from it.
When it comes to relationships and sex, both frequency and quality are something most couples consider rather important.
However, there can be many things that can prevent pairs from getting it on as much as they would like.
Clinical psychologist and psychosexual therapist Dr Karen Gurney recently spoke to the Mail Online about the 'healthy' amount of sex a person should be having, as well as reasons they might not be having as much as they want.
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Gurney said that when she speaks to couples, they often state they believe three times a week is how much sex they should be having, but this might be quite far off from the reality, according to the expert.
She said: “I’ve lost count of the number of patients I see who give that number when asked how much sex they think they should be having – although it’s a goal that’s far from realistic for most people, since the average for British couples is closer to three times a month, and twice for people in midlife.”
She went on to reiterate that it really was important to focus on quality over quantity, as she stated that research tells us there is no link between the amount of sex we have and how satisfied we are.
She explained that ‘infrequent sex that makes us feel alive, close and connected to our partner is much better than having daily sex that’s low in pleasure'.
Gurney went on to explain there are quite a few reasons why sex isn’t just happening naturally like it used to, but she noted that this wasn’t reason to panic.
She pointed out that talking with your partner was very important to improving your sex quality and frequency.
She said: "I always encourage patients to ask themselves the question: ‘What truly matters to me? How important is pleasure, losing yourself or being adventurous?’
“Don’t compare yourself to what you imagine others are doing. Focus on what fulfils you and let your partner know."
As well as this, Gurney also tackled why people get turned off from the idea of intimacy with their partner, despite still loving them.
Now this doesn’t mean you need to unplug everything and do away with all tech in your home, but Gurney highlighted how much technology can prove to be a distraction, namely phones.
She said it was important to focus on having time together without distractions as giving each other attention is ‘pivotal to desire’.
She said: “Put down your phone, switch off the TV and really connect and listen to each other. Plan for non-sexual physical intimacy, such as a passionate kissing session, a shared bath or a massage, and agree there’s no guaranteed outcome.”
This can help desire reemerge and sex to follow, according to the expert.
In any household, not doing enough to pull your weight can sour an atmosphere and in a relationship it really is no different.
Gurney said she often comes across couples who aren’t hopping into bed together as there is an ‘unequal division of housework and childcare’.
Sex can then feel like another thing to add to the to-do-list, and even foster resentment to the partner rather than making it the fun and expressive act it should be.
While this might seem a smart idea on the surface, Gurney argued it is something she doesn’t recommend for her couples.
She argued this can really make the act feel like a chore as well as increase pressure to perform and meet expectations.
So while it is important to find time to it, having sex when you don’t really want to can ultimately diminish the desire to have it at all over time.
While it can prove daunting to not speak about the elephant in the room, Gurney insisted it was crucial.
Desires and wants can more easily be realized through honest and open communication and it also gives couples a chance to address issues and misconceptions they have about each other.
She said this can also help couples step away from the often incorrect conclusion that their partner simply ‘doesn’t fancy [them] anymore'.